I can answer that question. Trials. Something we all have. But we each have such different circumstances or hardships we are dealing with. And mostly dealing with behind closed doors. No one wants to hear the ugly stuff. But wait.. I do. I want to be open. I want to be real. And the thing I want the most is to heal. I want to find myself again.
Admist the turmoil of my own trial over the years, I have lost myself. I used to think it was because I became I teen mom. And yes, that played a huge role in the beginning. But these past years have weighed on me. Beaten me down little by little. This trial has been winning me over. Anxiety has plagued me along with other emotional lows. I was still doing my day to day, and there were good days and bad days. But there were also so many good days with my kids. But I did not realize until recently just how much I lost myself. I was just trying to stay afloat. As my friend put it.. I was just a duck, on the pond, happy happy happy, but what you couldn't see were my legs swimming constantly to keep from sinking. The past few weeks I've been that duck. I've been lost and fragile just trying to find my way in this journey.
The other weekend I went on a "girls weekend". But with girls I had never met before in my life. But we were all women who shared one thing in common. Talking, healing, and yoga took place. I left that weekend feeling alive! Liberated, validated, and hopeful. I am not alone.
But more importantly, I can heal. I can find myself. I have so much hope in... ME. And that feels good.
On my jog I just tried to relax. There were so many beautiful things around me. I didn't listen to music, instead I listened to me. I went faster when I felt strong, but when I slowed down or walked, I told myself ITS OKAY! And when my mind was playing tricks on me I chanted my mantra for today "I can find myself. I can find myself." I caught myself getting emotional repeating it over and over. Because I indeed CAN do it. I can do anything. I can do freaking hard things. And I will.
When I got home Tucker said, "how was your run?" I didn't correct him this time. It was a great run. Who jogs these days anyway?