Monday, October 7, 2013

I Run.


    I went on a run today. Except, I didn't call it a run. In my mind it was just a jog. When Tucker asked if I was going on a run, I replied "oh no.. a jog. I'm going on a jog." Somehow the word jog was more laid back. I didn't want to get ahead of myself.  It was the perfect time to sneak away from the family and do something for me. When I have tried to do this recently, it's proven to be hard. I find excuses. It felt selfish. I used to be an avid runner! With running clothes I actually used for running! How did it become this way after having Rivers?
    I can answer that question. Trials. Something we all have. But we each have such different circumstances or hardships we are dealing with. And mostly dealing with behind closed doors. No one wants to hear the ugly stuff. But wait.. I do. I want to be open. I want to be real. And the thing I want the most is to heal. I want to find myself again.
    Admist the turmoil of my own trial over the years, I have lost myself. I used to think it was because I became I teen mom. And yes, that played a huge role in the beginning. But these past years have weighed on me. Beaten me down little by little. This trial has been winning me over. Anxiety has plagued me along with other emotional lows. I was still doing my day to day, and there were good days and bad days. But there were also so many good days with my kids. But I did not realize until recently just how much I lost myself. I was just trying to stay afloat. As my friend put it.. I was just a duck, on the pond, happy happy happy, but what you couldn't see were my legs swimming constantly to keep from sinking. The past few weeks I've been that duck. I've been lost and fragile just trying to find my way in this journey.
    The other weekend I went on a "girls weekend". But with girls I had never met before in my life. But we were all women who shared one thing in common. Talking, healing, and yoga took place. I left that weekend feeling alive! Liberated, validated, and hopeful. I am not alone.
But more importantly, I can heal. I can find myself. I have so much hope in... ME. And that feels good.
    On my jog I just tried to relax. There were so many beautiful things around me. I didn't listen to music, instead I listened to me. I went faster when I felt strong, but when I slowed down or walked, I told myself ITS OKAY!  And when my mind was playing tricks on me I chanted my mantra for today "I can find myself. I can find myself." I caught myself getting emotional repeating it over and over. Because I indeed CAN do it. I can do anything. I can do freaking hard things. And I will.
    When I got home Tucker said, "how was your run?"  I didn't correct him this time. It was a great run. Who jogs these days anyway?



9 comments:

AngelaNShade said...

You can do hard things Michelle. I am very proud of you. You have taught me, inspired me, and awed me. You girl girl.

AngelaNShade said...

You go girl is what it should say. :)

Macaile said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Macaile said...

You're so beautiful, from the inside out. I think that this whole life is about finding ourselves over and over again. It's terrifying and beautiful to know that the minute you find yourself, you will transform right before your own eyes, and the journey will begin again. But it's so comforting to remember that while so many people focus on the butterfly, seldom do people think about the long metamorphosis it took to become that butterfly. You are so loved and you are worth every moment of self discovery that you need. I wish you nothing but the best in your journey of discovering yourself over and over and over again :)

Eric & Crystal Marshall said...

Oh Michelle! I love this! Just what I needed to hear. I am right there with you. And it hit me like a ton of bricks a few weeks ago that I, like you, am just swimming, swimming, swimming. Being a good mom, and wife, and student, and yet somehow I lost me - I lost CRYSTAL!!! It's tough to realize that, for me it was more tough to realize that I LET that happen. But I find comfort in the fact that I will have a much easier time finding myself than anyone else will have trying to find me. I can do this!! And you can do this! I am glad I am not alone! :)

We Joneses said...

Heck yes you can run! And you can write, girl! That was beautiful. I've said it before and I'll say it again. You are an amazing person and I'm so glad our paths crossed. I'm cheering you on!

dardame said...

michelle, you have no idea how much i admire you. you're a beautiful women and an amazing wife and mother. i hope you can find "you" and find peace with everything you're going through. love you girl.

Rachael said...

You are awesome Michelle. Thank you for this post, and thank you for being real!

Megan Hollenback said...

michelle! isn't running the best therapy? i am glad you have found comfort in your trials and especially a group of friends who understands what you must be going through. i'm here for you if you need anything and can be your running partner- love you!