Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Life goes on

It's funny how life goes on sometimes.
I've been M.I.A. around this space. And I feel fine about it actually. I've been focusing on some other aspects of my life that needed some attention. Getting things in order. Re-grouping. Life is grand.. but in the grand scheme there always must be some trials.  But yet, I am blessed beyond belief.

The holidays came and went! Phew!
Our 7th anniversary came and went! Wow!
Arli's 5th birthday came and went! Crazy!
Rivers is talking and is an actual toddler! Ah!
Spring is upon us and I feel renewed. Just like the newly blooming flowers around me. I feel myself becoming once more. I am feeling a little more whole each day.

I took this picture of Arli a month or so ago. I love it.
She is strong, sensitive, kind, loving, and caring. She is truly a free spirit. She is in tune with herself.  She loves with all she has. I look up to her in countless ways. I want to be like her. I want to know myself in and out and love every bit of it. I want to create what my mind brews up. I want to love like she loves.

I want to see things through my kids' eyes more. I really do. I want to slow down and enjoy this fleeting time I have with them.
Because admist the errands, chores, work, and heartwrenching trials.. these little ones are growing up.
And I want to soak it all up!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Rivers & a pop

This guy. 
I swear he is making up for being the best baby ever and turning into the busiest toddler ever. Not bad at ALL, just so busy. 
One minute I'm changing his diaper, looking for a diaper, and the next minute he's on the kitchen table swiggin leftover mini pop. 
Not to mention drawing all over my walls, my new coffee table (a friend built for me), and of course his face. 
But then he looks at me.. with that sweet face, big hazel eyes, and undeniable dimples!! 
Stop it right there Riv. 
This is hardly fair. 
How can my motherly discipline compete with that coming at me all day. 
Even Beck and Arli see it. 
Rivers turns into our own midget Godzilla and terrorizes their toys, little people villages, and lego creations. Beck will fight him off all while talking to him in that cute voice reserved just for Rivers. Arli will scream and yell and watch him crush her creations but then carry him elsewhere and give him other toys. 
We love him.
I love him. 
All that chubba lub of him. 
How is he still so chubby?!? I have no idea. 
Cause trust me, he's moving-walking-running, and that chub is still there. 
And those cheeks look pretty set in their ways. 
And I love every ounce of it.

This guy. 
This sweet lovable Riv Guy is our sunshine. 

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Bike ridin'

My car is in the shop. So we are a one car family for a bit. Tucker would normally let me have his car and ride his bike everywhere but his wheel is busted.
So me and the kids are on our bikes a bit more when Tucker has the car.
Since I have had it all set up anyway, we've been on more bike rides, along with riding to and from school.
It is perfect weather. Beck loves it. Riv and Arli are contained and love it. We don't ever have an agenda. We are in the moment.  I follow him as he leads us right or left, whichever he feels like exploring. Beck tells me stories of his day at school. Arli "clicks" her mouth and has me guess what song she's "clicking". Rivers laughs and makes his voice heard. We ride until Beck gets tired. And every time we get home and off our bikes I feel renewed. I'm a better mom. I get more things done. I don't waste as much time. The feeling carries into the rest of our day/evening and I do more real things with my kids. I think they kinda like me more. I know I like me more.
I hope my kids always love the outdoors as much as I do. But they can only learn to love it if we are out there. Soakin it up. Throwing rocks. Watching the river.
I love going over the bridge. Beck usually slows down as he trys to pedal hard up the bridge. Once we get to the middle, I slow down almost stopping and look over the river. I look each way and breathe in deep. Boise is so beautiful. And my kids are so lucky to grow up here. I feel luckier to be physically able to be active with them and show them their surroundings.
Truth be told I probably wouldn't have even been biking as much had my car still been available.
I won't go as far to say I'm thankful that my car broke down. But I'm grateful for this little gift I found. A gift for my kids. But even more a gift to myself.
Each day I feel more grounded.

Beck may have caught on to the bike riding trend going on. Today he asked if we could go on a bike ride. Usually I'll sit and think about it. But right away I answered "Sure! Let's go!" He beamed! Was beyond excited.
I overheard him tell Arli, "hey Arli, try it, ask mommy if we can go on a bike ride and every time she'll say Yes! From now on!"    hahah Oh Beck.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Crying Baby

My life is like this picture.
Everyone is trying to hard to make it work. Make it worth while. Make it beautiful. Just trying to make it from point A to point B. But then theres that one baby, kinda throwin it off. No matter how good the others look... There will still be this crying baby front and center. But I still love this picture.. Crying baby and all. And life will go on without a perfect picture.
My life is like this picture.
And while everything is kind of finding it's place and we are figuring things out, my stupid car is that crying baby.
But I still love my life.. and life will go on.
But man.... there's always something isn't there?

When it comes down to it... I really love this picture.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Be Brave

It is amazing what a little sharing can do. 
I shared the link to my post yesterday on facebook and At first I didn't know why I felt compelled to do so. Heck, I really didn't want to. But I thought what the heck.. this is me. And I'm going to be brave.. Because I AM brave. 

It's funny.. when I got home the other weekend from my "girls weekend" Beck saw my new necklace and started to sound it out.. "B..eeee   ba ba brrr ave. Be Brave?!" And he laughed and laughed. 
He said "You're brave??" 
I said to him "Uh Yeah. I am! Cause I can do anything, and that makes me brave."
Oh the kid just laughed again! 
haha I didn't take it personally.. I found it hilarious that he really thought it was funny!
 Hilarious but also like.. what the heck!?
Today he saw it again and said, "Be brave." and laughed again. 
And I said, "Well yeah, why can't I be brave?" 
He said "I didn't know girls could be brave, only boys." 
Ohhhh little boy. I have much to teach you.
I said to him, "Oh yes Beck.. Women and girls are just as brave or EVEN MORE brave than boys." 
This time he didn't laugh. 
He thought about it. I could see his little brain pondering that. 
I got a swift kick in the gut that my son needs to know how important women are in this life. 
And that women and girls are just as strong as boys. 
But more importantly, that we all can be brave. 
Brave to face our fears. 
Our challenges. 
To really feel those emotions. 
To do something for ourselves. 
To go after something huge. 
To BE ourselves. 
To completely own our happiness.

Even though I didn't talk details of my trial in my post yesterday, the post reached out to so many. 
I heard from many that they were in the same boat. And at first I was like.. oh if they only knew what boat I'm in. They are def. not in my boat. They don't want to be in my boat.
But then I realized.
 It doesn't matter what boat you're in. 
The aftermath of the boat being swayed by the violent waves will take it's toll. 
And I truly realized. 
It is the same. 
Our healing is the same. 
Our heart's desire to find oneself again, is the same. 
My trial doesn't have to be the same as yours, to feel connected and more.

I feel so supported and uplifted. 
I have some pretty great people cheering me on. 
It pays off to be brave.

Monday, October 7, 2013

I Run.

    I went on a run today. Except, I didn't call it a run. In my mind it was just a jog. When Tucker asked if I was going on a run, I replied "oh no.. a jog. I'm going on a jog." Somehow the word jog was more laid back. I didn't want to get ahead of myself.  It was the perfect time to sneak away from the family and do something for me. When I have tried to do this recently, it's proven to be hard. I find excuses. It felt selfish. I used to be an avid runner! With running clothes I actually used for running! How did it become this way after having Rivers?
    I can answer that question. Trials. Something we all have. But we each have such different circumstances or hardships we are dealing with. And mostly dealing with behind closed doors. No one wants to hear the ugly stuff. But wait.. I do. I want to be open. I want to be real. And the thing I want the most is to heal. I want to find myself again.
    Admist the turmoil of my own trial over the years, I have lost myself. I used to think it was because I became I teen mom. And yes, that played a huge role in the beginning. But these past years have weighed on me. Beaten me down little by little. This trial has been winning me over. Anxiety has plagued me along with other emotional lows. I was still doing my day to day, and there were good days and bad days. But there were also so many good days with my kids. But I did not realize until recently just how much I lost myself. I was just trying to stay afloat. As my friend put it.. I was just a duck, on the pond, happy happy happy, but what you couldn't see were my legs swimming constantly to keep from sinking. The past few weeks I've been that duck. I've been lost and fragile just trying to find my way in this journey.
    The other weekend I went on a "girls weekend". But with girls I had never met before in my life. But we were all women who shared one thing in common. Talking, healing, and yoga took place. I left that weekend feeling alive! Liberated, validated, and hopeful. I am not alone.
But more importantly, I can heal. I can find myself. I have so much hope in... ME. And that feels good.
    On my jog I just tried to relax. There were so many beautiful things around me. I didn't listen to music, instead I listened to me. I went faster when I felt strong, but when I slowed down or walked, I told myself ITS OKAY!  And when my mind was playing tricks on me I chanted my mantra for today "I can find myself. I can find myself." I caught myself getting emotional repeating it over and over. Because I indeed CAN do it. I can do anything. I can do freaking hard things. And I will.
    When I got home Tucker said, "how was your run?"  I didn't correct him this time. It was a great run. Who jogs these days anyway?

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Rivers is 1


Rivers Tucker Botkin is 1! 
Seriousy.. that was fast. 
He is the sweetest boy ever. 
He is always a charmer smilin at people. I love it. 
He is 21 lbs.  His head is in the 89% and in the 8th % for height! I got a squaty shorty on my hands! 
( I was wondering why he was still able to wear his 9 month onsies)
He is cruising everywhere as long as he has something to hold on to.
Stands, but not walking yet. But so close! 
He loves to mimmick us and laugh at things that make no sense haha.
He totally knows what no means.
His first word was "Dada" last week.
And this week he added "Wow" to his vocabulary. 
Such a funny boy and knows exactly what i'm saying to him. 
His feet are oh so little. Still a size 3! 
He is still the most amazing sleeper.. sleeping 12 hours in their shared room.
He loves loves his brother and sister. 
He loves playing with them and its the sweetest thing to watch them interact. 
He's been climbing stairs for a couple months now.. But has had the misfortune of falling down them too. Ay yi yi. 
I cannot get enough of my Riv boy! He is our sunshine of our family! 
His face will go from normal, cute big eyes, plump lips, to the sweetest smile I've ever seen and my heart melts into blubber! Completely melted! 
So thankful for Rivers in my life. He brightens every day. 

My good friend Megan took these pictures of Riv and unexpectedly snuck a few of me in there too. I'm lucky to have her as my friend! so talented and giving! I'll cherish these pictures forever.