Tuesday, March 10, 2015

In a Year

Almost one whole year has passed since I last wrote in this space.
In that year I have grown immensley. I think it was the best year personally, I've had. I grew to know myself more. It was a lot of experiences that showed me I am so capable. Capable of doing hard things physically, mentally, and spirtually.
I ran Robie Creek April 2014. It was so beyond hard. But so worth it! What a rush! I know if I can train to do that, my other goals seem reachable- so that's super exciting to me.
2014 was definitely my year for racing and doing those things for me.
I also ran in the Sawtooth Relay with some girlfriends. The mountains were cleansing to my soul. I am so weird when it comes to my mentality while running- so I practiced overcoming that.
I ran in the Wasatch Back Ragnar race with a group of people I didn't even know. I knew one friend there. and made lifelong memories with new ones. Maybe not so much outwardly, because I am kinda hard to get to know in a group, but more me on the inside. It was so hard for me to be there almost "alone" on the inside at first. I missed my kids and felt so guilty. But running races with people is a beautiful thing! And I got to know those teammates maybe even more than I wanted to haha. I feel so blessed to have been able to run that race because of those selfless friends.
In the summer I also went away on a quick girls trip to McCall. I could have brought my kids, but they had swimming lessons, so away I went. It was a revitalizing couple of days! At first I felt bad and almost regret going. But I pushed that aside as much as I could and I then really really enjoyed that time just relaxing (not running) without my kids.
Tucker was beyond supportive. One week I was only home one full day with all the racing and traveling. He has grown a lot too, it shows in how much I got to do for myself with his help.
Then to close off a great race season I ran the FitOne Half Marathon. Not only was it a beautiful course- probably my favorite so far- but I also revealed to my family and friends that I was pregnant with #4 babe. I wore a shirt that said "running for 2" Although I was only like 10 weeks -hehe so not yet showing (to anyone else at least) and not totally sick yet. So it was great timing for me! I took the race super easy and that was so hard! My time was way better than I thought it was going to be just going easy, so I knew I could have gotten under 2 hours for sure if I had been in the "racing" mindset. But played it safe for bebe.
We found out bebe was a boy the day after my birthday! Shock consumed all of us.. and tears consumed me and Arli. Real life feeling over here ha. But now months later I am truly excited for Rivers to have a bff. But I still need that 2nd girl sometime....
I was really good about continuing to workout while pregnant up until December. Now I walk one mile on the treadmill and I am hurtin and spent.
Trials have still persisted off and on. But as it goes on, I am getting better at dealing with them in a healthy way for me and my family. I still will never know what the future holds for me. But I cannot live in worry of the future. I won't let the adversary rob me of my joy in my life. I am still practicing, but I am happy in the moment.. and as long I know I am doing all I can, I can find peace. I think that was the biggest thing I learned in 2014 was about finding Peace.

That was my 2014 in a nutshell.
I may or may not update the blog on happenings of 2014. I would like to. I have so many pictures that I love from that fabulous year.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Life goes on

It's funny how life goes on sometimes.
I've been M.I.A. around this space. And I feel fine about it actually. I've been focusing on some other aspects of my life that needed some attention. Getting things in order. Re-grouping. Life is grand.. but in the grand scheme there always must be some trials.  But yet, I am blessed beyond belief.

The holidays came and went! Phew!
Our 7th anniversary came and went! Wow!
Arli's 5th birthday came and went! Crazy!
Rivers is talking and is an actual toddler! Ah!
Spring is upon us and I feel renewed. Just like the newly blooming flowers around me. I feel myself becoming once more. I am feeling a little more whole each day.

I took this picture of Arli a month or so ago. I love it.
She is strong, sensitive, kind, loving, and caring. She is truly a free spirit. She is in tune with herself.  She loves with all she has. I look up to her in countless ways. I want to be like her. I want to know myself in and out and love every bit of it. I want to create what my mind brews up. I want to love like she loves.

I want to see things through my kids' eyes more. I really do. I want to slow down and enjoy this fleeting time I have with them.
Because admist the errands, chores, work, and heartwrenching trials.. these little ones are growing up.
And I want to soak it all up!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Rivers & a pop

This guy. 
I swear he is making up for being the best baby ever and turning into the busiest toddler ever. Not bad at ALL, just so busy. 
One minute I'm changing his diaper, looking for a diaper, and the next minute he's on the kitchen table swiggin leftover mini pop. 
Not to mention drawing all over my walls, my new coffee table (a friend built for me), and of course his face. 
But then he looks at me.. with that sweet face, big hazel eyes, and undeniable dimples!! 
Stop it right there Riv. 
This is hardly fair. 
How can my motherly discipline compete with that coming at me all day. 
Even Beck and Arli see it. 
Rivers turns into our own midget Godzilla and terrorizes their toys, little people villages, and lego creations. Beck will fight him off all while talking to him in that cute voice reserved just for Rivers. Arli will scream and yell and watch him crush her creations but then carry him elsewhere and give him other toys. 
We love him.
I love him. 
All that chubba lub of him. 
How is he still so chubby?!? I have no idea. 
Cause trust me, he's moving-walking-running, and that chub is still there. 
And those cheeks look pretty set in their ways. 
And I love every ounce of it.

This guy. 
This sweet lovable Riv Guy is our sunshine. 

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Bike ridin'

My car is in the shop. So we are a one car family for a bit. Tucker would normally let me have his car and ride his bike everywhere but his wheel is busted.
So me and the kids are on our bikes a bit more when Tucker has the car.
Since I have had it all set up anyway, we've been on more bike rides, along with riding to and from school.
It is perfect weather. Beck loves it. Riv and Arli are contained and love it. We don't ever have an agenda. We are in the moment.  I follow him as he leads us right or left, whichever he feels like exploring. Beck tells me stories of his day at school. Arli "clicks" her mouth and has me guess what song she's "clicking". Rivers laughs and makes his voice heard. We ride until Beck gets tired. And every time we get home and off our bikes I feel renewed. I'm a better mom. I get more things done. I don't waste as much time. The feeling carries into the rest of our day/evening and I do more real things with my kids. I think they kinda like me more. I know I like me more.
I hope my kids always love the outdoors as much as I do. But they can only learn to love it if we are out there. Soakin it up. Throwing rocks. Watching the river.
I love going over the bridge. Beck usually slows down as he trys to pedal hard up the bridge. Once we get to the middle, I slow down almost stopping and look over the river. I look each way and breathe in deep. Boise is so beautiful. And my kids are so lucky to grow up here. I feel luckier to be physically able to be active with them and show them their surroundings.
Truth be told I probably wouldn't have even been biking as much had my car still been available.
I won't go as far to say I'm thankful that my car broke down. But I'm grateful for this little gift I found. A gift for my kids. But even more a gift to myself.
Each day I feel more grounded.

Beck may have caught on to the bike riding trend going on. Today he asked if we could go on a bike ride. Usually I'll sit and think about it. But right away I answered "Sure! Let's go!" He beamed! Was beyond excited.
I overheard him tell Arli, "hey Arli, try it, ask mommy if we can go on a bike ride and every time she'll say Yes! From now on!"    hahah Oh Beck.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Crying Baby

My life is like this picture.
Everyone is trying to hard to make it work. Make it worth while. Make it beautiful. Just trying to make it from point A to point B. But then theres that one baby, kinda throwin it off. No matter how good the others look... There will still be this crying baby front and center. But I still love this picture.. Crying baby and all. And life will go on without a perfect picture.
My life is like this picture.
And while everything is kind of finding it's place and we are figuring things out, my stupid car is that crying baby.
But I still love my life.. and life will go on.
But man.... there's always something isn't there?

When it comes down to it... I really love this picture.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Be Brave

It is amazing what a little sharing can do. 
I shared the link to my post yesterday on facebook and At first I didn't know why I felt compelled to do so. Heck, I really didn't want to. But I thought what the heck.. this is me. And I'm going to be brave.. Because I AM brave. 

It's funny.. when I got home the other weekend from my "girls weekend" Beck saw my new necklace and started to sound it out.. "B..eeee   ba ba brrr ave. Be Brave?!" And he laughed and laughed. 
He said "You're brave??" 
I said to him "Uh Yeah. I am! Cause I can do anything, and that makes me brave."
Oh the kid just laughed again! 
haha I didn't take it personally.. I found it hilarious that he really thought it was funny!
 Hilarious but also like.. what the heck!?
Today he saw it again and said, "Be brave." and laughed again. 
And I said, "Well yeah, why can't I be brave?" 
He said "I didn't know girls could be brave, only boys." 
Ohhhh little boy. I have much to teach you.
I said to him, "Oh yes Beck.. Women and girls are just as brave or EVEN MORE brave than boys." 
This time he didn't laugh. 
He thought about it. I could see his little brain pondering that. 
I got a swift kick in the gut that my son needs to know how important women are in this life. 
And that women and girls are just as strong as boys. 
But more importantly, that we all can be brave. 
Brave to face our fears. 
Our challenges. 
To really feel those emotions. 
To do something for ourselves. 
To go after something huge. 
To BE ourselves. 
To completely own our happiness.

Even though I didn't talk details of my trial in my post yesterday, the post reached out to so many. 
I heard from many that they were in the same boat. And at first I was like.. oh if they only knew what boat I'm in. They are def. not in my boat. They don't want to be in my boat.
But then I realized.
 It doesn't matter what boat you're in. 
The aftermath of the boat being swayed by the violent waves will take it's toll. 
And I truly realized. 
It is the same. 
Our healing is the same. 
Our heart's desire to find oneself again, is the same. 
My trial doesn't have to be the same as yours, to feel connected and more.

I feel so supported and uplifted. 
I have some pretty great people cheering me on. 
It pays off to be brave.

Monday, October 7, 2013

I Run.

    I went on a run today. Except, I didn't call it a run. In my mind it was just a jog. When Tucker asked if I was going on a run, I replied "oh no.. a jog. I'm going on a jog." Somehow the word jog was more laid back. I didn't want to get ahead of myself.  It was the perfect time to sneak away from the family and do something for me. When I have tried to do this recently, it's proven to be hard. I find excuses. It felt selfish. I used to be an avid runner! With running clothes I actually used for running! How did it become this way after having Rivers?
    I can answer that question. Trials. Something we all have. But we each have such different circumstances or hardships we are dealing with. And mostly dealing with behind closed doors. No one wants to hear the ugly stuff. But wait.. I do. I want to be open. I want to be real. And the thing I want the most is to heal. I want to find myself again.
    Admist the turmoil of my own trial over the years, I have lost myself. I used to think it was because I became I teen mom. And yes, that played a huge role in the beginning. But these past years have weighed on me. Beaten me down little by little. This trial has been winning me over. Anxiety has plagued me along with other emotional lows. I was still doing my day to day, and there were good days and bad days. But there were also so many good days with my kids. But I did not realize until recently just how much I lost myself. I was just trying to stay afloat. As my friend put it.. I was just a duck, on the pond, happy happy happy, but what you couldn't see were my legs swimming constantly to keep from sinking. The past few weeks I've been that duck. I've been lost and fragile just trying to find my way in this journey.
    The other weekend I went on a "girls weekend". But with girls I had never met before in my life. But we were all women who shared one thing in common. Talking, healing, and yoga took place. I left that weekend feeling alive! Liberated, validated, and hopeful. I am not alone.
But more importantly, I can heal. I can find myself. I have so much hope in... ME. And that feels good.
    On my jog I just tried to relax. There were so many beautiful things around me. I didn't listen to music, instead I listened to me. I went faster when I felt strong, but when I slowed down or walked, I told myself ITS OKAY!  And when my mind was playing tricks on me I chanted my mantra for today "I can find myself. I can find myself." I caught myself getting emotional repeating it over and over. Because I indeed CAN do it. I can do anything. I can do freaking hard things. And I will.
    When I got home Tucker said, "how was your run?"  I didn't correct him this time. It was a great run. Who jogs these days anyway?